A Conversation Between Myself and Heaven
One night, many years ago, before dinnertime, I was sitting at my kitchen table by myself and thinking about Jessie, who had SMA, and her deteriorating condition. Unexpectedly, all of a sudden, feeling very surreal, I was having a heartfelt conversation with "myself."
I felt that "the other voice" [OV] was a higher power, be it an angel or G-d. Consequently, I was thinking in my head, but the voices I heard in this discussion were in my natural voice on both sides of the conversation.
A powerful conversation with myself
Am I going crazy? What is happening to me? What is going to be the outcome of this conversation?
Furthermore, I am afraid of the outcome of this conversation! Here is how the "conversation" proceeded:
Suddenly, the ‘other voice’ [OV] started the conversation:
OV: "Your daughter is lying in bed. Your wife is sitting at her bedside with her dog." [The dog, a Sheltie, was given to Jessie by a Veterinarian office, about a year prior, was named the Gabriella (a name that was a derivative of the Archangel, Gabriel.]
At this point, Jessie was hooked up to a ventilator, oxygen, trach, feeding tube, unable to speak, and getting weaker and thinner every day. Moreover, what do you think you should do now?
Me: "I don’t know what else I can do. The doctors are trying their best to try to save her, but..."
OV: "However, you can see that she is not doing well. So, is this the quality of life you wish for your daughter, Marc? Do you want her to spend the rest of her life hooked up to a ventilator, oxygen, and other tubes attached to her body?"
Me: "No. But what can I do? I love her. Certainly, my wife and I will take good care of her for as long as she lives. In addition, I’m scared of the future. Above all, I don’t want to lose her. Moreover, will my wife and I be able to go on without her?"
OV: "You’re being selfish, Marc. Understandably, you are worried about losing her. But what was best for your daughter? Jessie is declining. Your family will feel devastated, but all of you will be okay, in time."
Me: "However, What should I do?"
OV: [In a gentle soothing voice]. "Be selfless, Marc. Symbolically, release her to me. Consequently, I know what’s best for her. Above all, trust me."
Me: I sat at the kitchen table thinking. Without a verbal word being said, my inward voice silently talked to OV. I was told symbolically, to lift Jessie and release her to heaven. Then, I raised both my hands over my head and inwardly said, "I lift her to you..."
A renewed sense of peace
I felt a tranquil peace come over me after this discussion. Not a word of this internal conversation was discussed with anyone, until months later. I went into my daughter’s bedroom, where my wife and dog were sitting.
Generally, everything looked status-quo there. I was talking to Jessie, as usual. Nothing unusual was happening.
An emergency situation
The next day, at 6 A.M., my wife and I went to work. My parents came over to watch Jessie. At about 10 A.M., my mother called both of us and frantically told us to come home ASAP!
As we drove home, we saw an ambulance raising away from our home with the sirens blasting. We followed the ambulance to the hospital.
Inside the emergency room, my mother told me that everything was going normally at home, but then Jessie started to choke and was having trouble breathing. She immediately called 911.
Losing our daughter
Ultimately, the ER doctors valiantly tried to save my daughter, but they were unsuccessful. Hence, Jessie, at 17 years old succumbed.
In essence, I believe the OV "talked" to me the day before this tragic event to prepare me for what was going to eventually happen. This was done to lessen the shock and fragile state we were in and to continue to go on with life. Sadly, to this day, I truly miss Jessie.
Have you found something to help you mentally cope with SMA?