Define Love

Define love. It would be a broader definition for everyone. As I moved into the adulthood phase I started to get involved in more things. Of course one of the things that can’t be denied is love.

Finding someone who can love you. Accept your disability as it is. It’s not easy I must say. Seeing my friends getting married, started to have kids and I just stayed single.

Deep down in my heart of course I would like to get the same thing. Falling in love and finding someone. But can I? Well, I did but it didn't last long.

Looking for someone

Two years ago, when the pandemic hit I decided to install dating apps. Swiping from one person to the other. Till I found someone. Someone who would vibe together.

I met him through social media. Wait, I can’t say I met him. I only knew him through social media. We started with a normal conversation getting to each other and so on.

We have been chatting for a month. I found out that he has a rare disease as well. Another rare disease that I never heard of. On the other hand, I have SMA. We then got to learn about each other's diseases.

Questions about each others diseases

As time passes by, we realize things are not going to go well. What if I fall sick? Who’s going to take care of me? With his condition that has to be extra careful all the time (even though he’s stubborn about doing so), he can’t do that. It’s vice versa for him. If he’s admitted, I can’t take care of him as well.

We started thinking realistically. People can say, you can hire someone to take care of you guys but let’s just be realistic for once. We wouldn’t be able to afford it. Love is just not about taking care of each other. As I mentioned, be realistic. Things are not gonna work. It may be working but it will be tough.

Reality hit

With that thought in our mind, we decided not to meet up in real life. We chatted less. No more serious conversations going on. It was just a once-in-a-while chat. Keeping each other updated about current life and at a point where we stop chatting. We stop getting in touch. We just saw each other's stories on social media. Right now I guess we are just people who used to know each other.

It hurts. I’m not gonna lie. Is there anything more frustrating or heartbreaking than loving someone when you know deep down you can never be together? Of course, there are other things. But you have to accept it. Not all things will go your way.

Focusing on what matters

Life must go on. I decided to forget about him. Not to say I’m completely forgetting it, just that I'm diverting my mind to something else. Focusing more on myself. Rather than devoting that emotional energy to thinking about someone else, I’m trying to focus on the first person who deserves my love: me.

Yup, you read that right. Self-love is important.

This isn't a time for getting lost in the memories: It's a time for making new ones. Concentrate on my happiness, mental health, and physical well-being.

Focusing on self-care

I’m pampering myself and practicing acts of self-love and care. I’ve been going out more. Doing the things I love. Signing up for art class, watching movies, food hunting, planning for a solo art exhibition, and enjoying my life to the fullest.

By making myself a priority again, I’m taking a major step in dealing with unrequited love. I’m not afraid to try something new. What’s important is the choice to make healthy use of my time and at the same time allow myself to let go of sweet bitter memories.

I hope people out there who are struggling won't give up on finding love. Pretty sure God has a better plan for us. It can be difficult to navigate relationships, especially when managing a disability that requires extra care. Remember to prioritize self-love and care, and not give up on finding the right person who will accept and love us as we are.

Keep the faith, and keep swiping until you find Mr/Mrs. Right.

Love,
Ainaa