Becoming Okay With My Anxiety

In middle school, I gained anxiety and was in pure denial, especially when it came to getting help, I was in that “fitting in” phase in middle school.

SMA and mental health

SMA has taught me to live life fully because the more you hide it, the harder it comes back and this is true with mental health too! I don't live with regrets, I just wish I could tell my younger self that the chaos doesn't last.

I wanted to discuss more in-depth my journey with my anxiety and what's really helped me because, trust me, I've done it all.

Learning to accept

The other year was my emergency peg surgery. It was also my first time in the hospital in over a decade. Given all that, I had to heal afterward.

I had been near death before, but this time was different. I was really aware of it this time because it was during COVID-19, The hospital staffing was low, and my anxiety was extremely high.

After everything that happened, I somehow found myself craving change. Therapy wasn't working and life coaching was too expensive. So I had to help myself. For me, this was hard, but also the best thing to happen to me. I was really able to understand myself better.

I also started my medication Lexapro, and now my headspace has been a lot cleare. I'm so thankful. I genuinely don't think I have ever felt this peaceful and calm in my entire life. That being said, I did a bunch of research online with Youtube, podcasts and books!

Listening to my heartbeat

I genuinely cannot explain how I got to this place of acceptance, but it honestly just happened. Every time (although extremely rare now!) I feel anxious, I listen to my heartbeat and remember that I'm alive and present and try really hard to just be in the moment.

Grounding for me is so hard, but I really try. Acceptance and anxiety to me is just knowing that you survive this moment and trying to find what works best for you. Also remembering that anxiety isn't bad! For years I felt broken because of it.

Free and online resourcefuls are helpful

Let's be completely honest here though, the numbers for mental health especially since the pandemic have risen a bunch. It's not just you! I know that it's so much easier said then done, but truly knowing that I have power in free online resources because of this is very helpful! I no longer see my anxiety as bad. I accept that I have it because the more I push it away, the harder it comes back.

I have to be blunt, sometimes you have to step out of yourself and see how funny anxiety can be. A while ago for literally no reason, I was anxious about a Zoom call with a friend. I was on my phone waiting for her and I said, “This is so silly, I'm fine! I got this! Just gonna ride the wave and let it go through me.” Saying this is an incredibly big step for me because I truly never thought that I would be here.

Focus on coping with reality

To be honest, it can so crippling to live with anxiety. The hidden struggle that happens in your mind when in reality, you really can't do anything about the situation so you spiral even though it doesn't help. It's just funny to me how anxiety works. It's all about control when you have none.

This much is true with SMA as well. As I mentioned before, the minute you think you have a handle on it, it laughs in your face and says “nice try”. So I have been trying my best to let go of everything and focus on what I can control.

Here are some tips that have really helped me:

• Count the colors in the room as a grounding tool. When I was super anxious about getting help ASAP in the hospital, I would make it a game to see how much colors I could find in the room. It sounds super silly, but it really helps you to be present. If I got help in the time that I could count some but not all of the colors, I would say to myself, “Yay! I wonder how much I can get to next time.”
• Another tip is singing a song and focusing on the lyrics. When I would wait in the car for my mom to get my chair, sometimes when I was tired, I would get really anxious. My brain would just feel really anxious and I would feel trapped even though I knew the facts, that I would be ok. As we all know, anxiety and being rational are not besties. So, to cope, I would sing a song in my head and try to remember all of the lyrics of a certain part, such as the chorus.
• Tune into your body as much as possible. When I had nighttime anxiety, it was hard to focus on my breath since I had my Bipap on and it breathes for me. Like I mentioned, tuning into my heartbeat and my body overall had really really helped.
• There's a free app called Dare that has great anxiety meditations and is really helpful. It helps to keep you in the present moment! It's free on the app store!
• Turn your fears into something silly. When I was in the hospital, my dad and I watched Harry Potter. There was a scene where one of the professors mentioned to turn your fears into something silly! That has really stuck with me and I try my best to remember that as well because anxiety honestly humbles you, but it's (mostly) not that serious.
• I definitely need to mention getting a lavender oil roll-on! It's a must have for me. It really helps me to ground myself.

For final thoughts I just want to state facts. You WILL NOT die because you're anxious. You CAN do that thing your anxiety says that you can't. Again because your anxiety loves to focus on what you CAN’T control, what CAN you do in this moment to help yourself?

Your anxiety is so so valid and you are not broken because of it. You are more than the thoughts in your head.