Anxious When I Am Alone

I was having a panic attack about being alone.

As of writing this, I got a facial yesterday. My parents decided to hang out by the pool in the spa while I was in the room getting my facial. I trust my facial girl, she’s really sweet - so much that I said my parents could leave, forgetting that I would be alone after. I genuinely don't know how my friends are when alone; I just feel so vulnerable and helpless especially being disabled.

Aware of my disability when I am alone

I don't know if this makes sense, but in those moments, I'm hyper-aware of how disabled I am.

During the past couple of years, I've thankfully finally been able to give my SMA a second thought; finally accepting it and also do what I've always craved: just be someone in their 20’s living their life. I truly have felt so much freedom in this.

To just be able to live and finally not think ten steps ahead, which of course sometimes is ok, but all I wanted was to be able to just be in the moment more. Evrysdi has really helped me to feel better, helped me to get to just finally be Kellie and not Kellie and her SMA.

I didn't have my phone so when my facial was over and the facial girl went to grab my parents, my heart rate was massively high. I felt scared and out of body. I haven't felt this way since my 2022 hospitalization. It's strange how every time I feel this way, it feels like the first time EVER. (My anxiety is a LOT better than it used to be but I'm still working on accepting it.)

Panicking and feeling forgotten

In this moment I made myself focus on a painting and the colors there as best as I possibly could. I felt very dizzy. It was then I remembered how I had a panic attack literally every night back in the hospital in 2022. I couldn't get the help I needed quite often and it sucked. I will never forget how one day I had to Facetime a friend, who is definitely more like family, because I felt like I was left for death. I was so sick and needed help and who knows where the nurses were.

Just thinking about it makes my body feel disgusting and feel PTSD. Although I was so sick and felt like I couldn't breathe, my friend really helped me in that moment.

One minute at a time

She said to me an affirmation that I still use, “One minute at a time, Kel.”

This really helps me to be present. For me, sometimes to be easy to latch onto whats next and I'm doing my best to always be more present.

Counting colors

In this situation, focusing on colors helps. I used that trick a lot in the hospital as well. I would say to myself, how many colors can I get to today? Sometimes I even like to imagine how the colors feel especially since most of my anxiety happens when I'm laying down and feel most vulnerable so this is the only way to ground myself. The color trick I learned online (thank you internet!) Lavender is also my favorite. The scent really brings me down. When I was in the hospital, that same friend visited me and brought me a lavender pillow spray that really helped. I also love and have a roll on in my purse, it's a necessity.

Remembering how far I've come

For a final tip, it really helps me to think about what I've been through and how much I survived. The times I never thought I would survive and sometimes still don't believe I did.

I’m really doing my best to accept my anxiety and be okay with it more. If it comes, that's ok, I wont push it away and I know that I will find a way. As far as being patient goes, doing my best to be present and grounded always helps.

I talk about my anxiety a lot because disability and mental health are so unique, but I got this! Oh! I also wanted to add when I need to wait, I imagine that a boat is slowly drifting from the shore line. The further away it gets, the more I detach, the more I release my control to need whatever desperately. Control has been tough for someone whose life can feel out of control, but really remembering that it will happen the way it’s supposed helps so much.