Holiday Season Blues

The holiday season, with its festive lights and warm gatherings, often evokes a bittersweet feeling within me. Maybe it's because my birthday coincides with this season, serving as a reminder of passing time. Or perhaps it's the seemingly effortless way others celebrate with their children. These triggers can intensify my melancholy, and their effect isn't bound by a strict timetable.

Feeling like time is standing still

A heartwarming scene in a Hallmark movie or a social media post featuring a child picking pumpkins can sting like a poignant reminder of the family I long for but have yet to create. As another year passes, filled with weddings and family milestones, it feels like I'm standing still, an unyielding trigger in itself.

This stark contrast to the idealized vision I held as a child often leads me to deep introspection and overthinking during this time of year, thanks to the chemical imbalance in my brain. Navigating the holiday season becomes especially challenging when everyday depression collides with holiday blues. It's as if the latter warmly embraces the former, leaving my mind feeling cold and isolated.

Not living up to my own expectations

Living with a chronic illness and disability has added a unique layer to my life's journey, one filled with unpredictability and constant adaptation. At twenty-eight, I sometimes grapple with the feeling that I haven't quite lived up to my own expectations or societal norms. Maintaining a sense of progress can be elusive when societal standards for able-bodied individuals keep resurfacing, rather than recognizing the distinct path that those with chronic illnesses follow. It's as if, in my somber moments, my mind whispers that I have little to show for my years.

But I'm not alone in this struggle. Many of us who live with chronic illnesses or disabilities share a common experience of feeling stuck, like a potted plant continually growing but seemingly unable to reach the heights that others effortlessly attain. It's during this time of year that I often start comparing myself to others, a heart-wrenching experience that leads to self-doubt and emotional turmoil, especially when you're living with a chronic illness.

Celebrating moments of resilience

In the midst of these challenges, though, there are moments of joy and resilience that deserve recognition. I've faced the harsh reality that my wrist injury is beyond repair, navigated numerous doctor's appointments, and endured countless tests to address my stomach issues. Those sleepless nights, born of stress and spine pain, may have been difficult, but they also served as a testament to my inner strength. My trusty wheelchair, while sometimes uncomfortable, has provided both mobility and a reminder of the daily struggles I've learned to overcome.

Amid these trials, there were moments of joy, too. Witnessing my fourteen-year-old nephew play baseball brought tears of pride and joy to my eyes. His growth and accomplishments served as a reminder of the beauty in the passing of time, though it also made me realize how quickly time is flying by.

Securing my first job, allowing me to work from the comfort of my home and adapt to my unique situation, marked a significant milestone. Beginning therapy was another crucial step in prioritizing my emotional well-being and fostering resilience. Throughout this journey, I've learned to be more forthright with my doctors about my pain and advocate for a more effective treatment plan.

Remembering my life's value

As the holiday season approaches, I, like many others, remind myself that life's value extends beyond traditional milestones. While I haven't walked down the aisle or cradled my own child in my arms, I've achieved resilience, adaptability, and inner strength. Every day I face, every challenge I overcome, is a testament to the unique journey I've embraced.

To all those on this intricate emotional journey, please know you're not alone. It's perfectly fine to wrestle with unfulfilled expectations during the holiday season and the urge to compare your life to others. What truly counts is acknowledging even the tiniest victories and finding comfort in the fact that there's a community of like-minded individuals navigating similar paths. Together, we can celebrate our strength, resilience, and the beauty of this shared journey. Remember, with a chronic illness, we are exactly where we need to be in our life, and that's a testament to our courage and adaptability, no matter how different it may look from the lives of others.