The Bully In My Mind

For me, personally, the smallest things are the scariest. I know that you just have to do it, as they say, but I guess the not knowing is the worst for me because SMA just does that - the hyper-fixation on control sometimes is just insane. It's helped me to stay alive and I'm very grateful, but sometimes it's just a lot.

Recently, I'm unlearning a lot and healing a bunch. The main thing I'm working on right now is self-love. I'm genuinely shocked that I don't care well for myself because of all of my experiences.

My mind bullies me

The bully in my mind is extremely loud and critical. The other day I had a cry at the things my mind was saying...Whoa. I truly could not believe it. I know that truthfully I would never bully myself, so I'm trying hard to remember that the bully isn't me.

My friend Amber, a fellow SMA’er and also a life coach, suggested that I name that bully. Mine is Ursula, after my favorite Disney movie, The Little Mermaid. I admire Ariel’s determination and see myself in her. This might sound silly, but giving that harsh critic (and the irrational thoughts) a name, really helps me to remember that it's not me, it's the voice.

I also think of that voice as my depression. Upset that I'm finally thriving, upset that I have the freedom to do whatever I want, upset that I got back up from my darkest days and chose to live.

The avoidance generation: social anxiety

Now, when I talk about the avoidance generation, at least for me, I know that my social anxiety can be crippling and I've noticed this in psych statistics as well. I wanted to write this article for a number of reasons:

  1. When you logically think about it, all of this, like social anxiety is so strange. The truth is that there is not actual danger, so why do we feel that way?
  2. When are we ever done with self improvement? Is it a constant ‘rat race’? Are we on the hamster wheel of life thinking that we are doing good things for ourselves, but in fact, we are constantly looping over and over into nothing?
  3. And finally... Self esteem...How does it start? How can we change it?

My social anxiety leads to depression

I recently found the answers to these questions on Mark Manson’s YouTube. Every Wednesday he hosts The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k podcast. The latest episode really hit home. So much so that I made a text post with video from this episode.1

The short answer is to stop trying, stop chasing. We all have parts of ourselves that we might not like. But, let’s be completely honest, trying to fix it doesn't really help. You have to learn how to be okay with it.

This is so hard and a lesson I'm currently trying to remember. I can get swallowed whole by my depression and sadness. Something I'm actively trying to remember with this is to focus on my breathing. Then, when I feel better, I ask myself, "What's the lesson?" After everything that I've been through in my life, I really try to see the why because if I don't, I spiral and it doesn't help.

Feeling a lot of emotions is OK

I also am trying to remember thanks to a Tiktok trend that I feel a lot…that can mean sadness or happiness! As much as it may suck, I really love being able to feel.

Finally, I leave you with a comforting thought that I've been thinking lately, with self help and the mental health crisis, we often deny ourselves the human experience. When will we get to a place where we can accept that I feel it all? I am a human? I love that I am a human experience? Meaning I am not the only one feeling this way. It's all a part of life. I am me and I truly don't want to change that, I will get through!

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