Becoming Me

Although we are only a few months into the year, as I write this, I've learned so much. About a week ago, I decided to get rid of, by unsubscribing and unfollowing, all things about mental health.

Looking for help. everywhere

I have mentioned how I dove deep into this genre at the peak of mental illness in 2017. I was looking for all kinds of help. Therapy didn't even help. I felt like we just talked in circles.

My decision last year to take care of my mental health by myself was the hardest, scariest, but most freeing decision ever. The healing and unlearning journey is so hard. I've learned that when you cry during your healing journey, that is you mourning the old you’s habits and just “shedding your skin,” so to speak, to make room for your higher self to thrive.

I want to highlight here, though, that you could be stuck on the hamster wheel of self-help forever. You could always work on yourself more, but when will you feel enough?

Separating from the internal voice

I realized this about a week ago when I read just a small bit of “The Untethered Soul.” It talks about the voice in your mind and how we give it so much power, but it's simply just a voice. I was able to quiet the voice after reading this. This was the last ever mental health book I read, and it was very powerful.

Once I separated myself from this voice, I felt very free. All of this is to say I've finally reached a place where I just don't care. I don't care what others say because it's just an opinion.

It took me a long time to reach this, but I've realized that at some point, for freedom, you have to let go and trust the universe. You will be okay.

It's so hard to do so, but for me, I let go by understanding what I can do, and that's all that I can do! It's so hard to understand, but having control leads mostly to anxiety and depression, amongst other things, of course.

Sabotaged by my own efforts to control my SMA

For me, as I mentioned before, controlling my SMA to a point where I was very controlling about it helped but then sabotaged me. For me, I had reached a point where controlling my SMA had become SMA just laughing in my face and saying, “Nice try”.

All of this to say, letting go is so hard, but you can only do what you can. What can you do in this situation? I've finally come to peace with whatever will be. "Que Sera," as they say.

Being my authentic self

It's nice to be here now and just fully be my own authentic self and live life so vividly out loud. Laugh at the silly things and remember to try not to take life seriously; you got this!

Being messy, emotional, and human

I hope that you, my friends, can find peace but be human and allow yourself to be messy, emotional, and fully yourself. I truly never thought that I would get here, but you cannot be afraid of failure because it always teaches you something. None of us are perfect, so show your true messy parts that we hide online.

Living offline

Oh, and the final tip! Living chronically offline has really helped me. I just do more things that I really like and allow myself as much as possible to do whatever I want. I know this is only sometimes the case for everyone, but I hope you can find something for you because you deserve it!

Final note: This photo my mom took of me last week makes me feel fully myself. I feel my full she/they self with this makeup and my hair up. I can see my inner glow. I hope that you take the leap and know that you will be okay every time.

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Much love, Kellie.